Alhamdulillah....

Its over and done with,Alhamdulillah!!
I was at the test center at 9:00 a.m.My test was scheduled for 10:00 a.m.Surprisingly they let me start early...around 9:30.What was great was that whatever anxiety and nervousness i had,simply vanished as i stepped into the testing area.The exam itself was fairly balanced.It is very hard to gauge how i did...but i didnot have a bad feeling once the test ended...and that is enough consolation for me.I remember having posted about the gentleman i met when i went to see the test ceneter i few days before the exam...i couldn't have been more wrong about him!!!He was kind enough to open an empty room for me so i could pray during my breaks....He even told me which way the qibla was...:)...
Yesterday night after the exam was great...i was euphoric!!7 months of studying had finally come to an end!!!No matter how hard i tired to get down to sleep...i just couldn't!So,i barely slept about three hours....i was wide awake and frankly,didn't know what to do!
Today,however,has been a bit weird....post-exam "something" setting in, i guess....its not anxiety...i know that much....random questions from the exam keep popping into my head...Perhaps I should "consciously" adopt "blocking"...yep!this should work....and most importantly, the fact that i did my best and now the rest is in the hands of the Almighty!!
On a different note...i leave for Atlanta tomorrow.My Aunt and Uncle leave for hajj on the 3rd of jan insha'Allah and i am to stay with their two daughters till they get back.Its going to be awesome...i shall be incharge!...hehe...and the fact that i know my aunt will be praying for me in mecca....is just wonderful!!:))

SUITE 130B

Suite 130 B....thats where i am going to be at, in hmmm....4 more days...
It took an agonising 40 min to get there today....i kept thinking..."what in the world am i doing?...i should be home studying"....just wanted to have a look...something to calm the nerves down....
I walked in and a gentleman sitting in what i assume was the waiting area/reception looked at me quizzically...and i just blurted out.."err,i have an exam here soon...just wanted to see i had the right place!!"...he just asked what exam i was to take...i told him...and he kind of smirked...poof!...i hope he isn't there on thrusday!
Anyways...my mom insists on accompanying me....i think she plans on sitting right outside in the waiting area.I don't know whether this would be a good idea....although a friend who took the exam said it is essential to have some one with you who can keep telling you that you are einstein every time you take a break....Lets see how it works out...

What might be held in store in the days to come?
There is a disturbing uncertainity....fear of the unknown,i guess....Each day proves to be more of an emotional roller coaster than the one gone by.....seems almost unreal...
This too shall pass!

I have never day-dreamt this much before...at least not this close to an exam!
I had to actually force myself to come back to the "real world" while going through physiology today.Here are a few things that popped into my head from no where...

1.Make a snow man!
2.Make this blog better(not to mention, add some from to my writing...i just realised all my posts have no form/order/punctuation...but hey...it is Randomness...so its all good!!).
3.Watch the new Harry Potter movie!
4.Read more of Robin Cook!
5.Go to the library and NOT head straight for the quiet study!
6.Watch the whole day marathon of Law and Order and NOT feel guilty about it!!!!

I could go on forever...but now certainly is not a time to be indulging in these fantasies....for thats exactly what they are...for now i NEED to focus on the exam!The study is coming along ok....had to get done with physiology but am still left with a few things i need to go through.I start with pathology tomorrow which i need to get done with in two days and then devote the rest of the week to reviewing genetics,molecular biology etc....*sigh*

Update

Its done...took the NBME today-finally!Scored a 540 which corresponds to a 3 digit score of 228...and from one of the forums this supposedly is equivalent to 92.So,I have decided to take the plunge and take the exam as planned on the 29th.The great thing about this self assessment is that it points out your areas of weakness......mine were behavioural science(i am pretty upset about this!) genetics,molecular biology and biochemistry.Microbiology was another one of the borderline performance areas but i had reviewed that about two weeks ago and couldn't exactly remember whether the stupid virus was single stranded or whatever! I shall get down to chalking out a revised plan for the coming 10 days so i can work on my weaknesses AND review pathophysiology,tonight.I hope it all works out well....I also sincerely hope don't lose my head at this crucial time and give in to nervousness and anxiety....inshaAllah i won't!!!!

p.s...The NBME is an online exam.It has three forms(1,2,3-i took form 3..all forms are supposed to have approximately the same level of difficulty)...it has four blocks(200 questions) and can be taken standard-paced(timed) or self paced(four hours for one block).It costs $45 and comes very highly recommended for gauging where one is lacking.Had i not been a coward(i kept thinking i wasn't ready...but its not about being ready...the sooner you identify your weak subjects the better!)....I would have taken form 1 about a month before the exam and then another form about 15 days before.

Thank God for small favours.....
Its amazing how at times complete strangers help you out....
Over these past few months i got acquainted with LisaM on one of the prep forums...it all started with me posting in her prep journal...it has been 7-8 years since she graduated....and took step 1 a couple of months back...she has a 3 year old daughter....she gave it all she had.....and scored an 86...which in my opinion is awesome....she was kind enough to mail me and gave me her phone number in case i needed help....it couldn't have come at a better time....as stressed out as i was today....it was God-sent!...so i called her....i felt a bit awkward because this would be the first time i would talk to her in person...but she was just great....allayed my fears and anxiety a great deal....:)....a friend once told me she believed ever since she was a little girl that if she just closed her eyes...God would come looking for her and take care of her....i feel like that little girl today....
Study wise....the whole evening did pretty much go to waste to my incessant worrying....went out with my sister for a while...and was surprised when my sister asked as to how many days had it been since i last stepped out...and i really couldn't remember....I am pretty happy about the fact that i did get the dreaded antineoplastics done....(infact,just got done with them)....so the plan has changed yet again.....NBME,inshaAllah first thing on the 17th....tomorrow i shall tackle what remains of pharmacology...*yuk*(for lack of a better word)...
I should pray and sleep now...its 12:00 p.m....the latest i have been up in a long long time......

Frustrated!!!!!!!!

I have the worst ever mind block!!!...and i hate it!!
Had planned to go through pharmacology from First Aid today before i take the NBME tomorrow....and nothing seems to be going right...i had glanced through FA with my second and third reads and had annotated it...but today...it all seems so foreign!!!!!!!!!!!...without exaggeration,it has taken me an hour(at least) to get through a single page.....
I have been whining like anything...not only here but also to my family...my youngest sister has been a pillar of support and i have to thank Allah for being blessed with a sibling who is wise beyond her years!.....it is at times like this when i envy those who have siblings or parents in the medial profession....they have some one to tell them...its ok...it happens...everyone goes through it...sure,i get told this umpteen times by my family but it still isn't the same...
I am not even half way through pharmacology...and its 6:00p.m....the maximum i will be able to go would be till 11:00p.m....i really don't care anymore...my mind is numb...I am numb!!!....and its as if i am in another dimension...i need to get a hold of myself...so what if it doesn't work out today...i shall do my best in the next few hours....and then get up in the morning...take the NBME....and if i am not satisfied with my score...i will think of postponing the exam.....although....i really don't want to....i don't think i can take another month of toiling....

So the past few days weren't good....
I had planned to take the NBME by today...if all had gone well....so that i could guage how ready i was for the exam...the NBME is said be an excellent predictor of performance on the real exam...but i am still truding along with my third reading....i still have bits and pieces of behavioural science to review...plus neuroanatomy and gross anatomy...AND...the most horrible of all..the antimicrobials,antineoplastics from pharmacology.....*sigh*...i NEED to get all this done by another three days at the max!!!!!!!....i then plan on doing a quick review of biochemistry and pharmacology from FA...and then taking the NBME on the 15th....that would be 12 days(i am not counting the 28th...cos it just doesn't count!!) before my exam...ideally the NBME should be taken about three weeks before the exam...but i never felt as if i was ready....which was just stupid on my part....but oh well...i hope i do well on the NBME....that would be a good morale booster...
One more thing thats bothering me is that you know how there are times when you pray and you just know that your prayers are going through......it just isn't that way anymore...its not even about the prayers......its more about an inner calm and satisfaction.....there is a considerable amount of restlessness....probably attributable to the fact that i am stressed out about this exam....hmmmm.....i so hope that i some how get that soothing,serene feeling....it has been ages....
Today was better....got up...had trouble studying at home.....went to the library...spent 7 hours there reviewing embryology...and i actually enjoyed it!!!(although a couple of ultra- giggly high schoolers made my head spin for a while).....am back home....my break originally meant to be for an hour has turned out to be a two hour one.....should get down togoign through fist aid....oh and questions on behavioural science....till later!

My father recommended a book about a month ago....and i came across the following while glancing through...

"God works by faith.You must believe first,and then you will recieve.Maybe you have been waiting for God to make a move,but God is waiting on you to stretch your faith.Make room in your own thinking and then you'll start experiencing some of His supernatural increase"


"Change starts right here.If you will change your thinking,God can change your life.You can't go around thinking thoughts of defeat and failure and expect God to fill you joy,power and victory.The two concepts are incomaptible.Surprisingly,many people have a narrow,limited mind-set.They think small,believe small and expect small.And then they wonder why nothing big ever happens to them.Its their own thinking that's keeping them in defeat.We often set our standards too low."

I need to have more faith in myself....

Its three in the afternoon and the studying seems to be going ok...or so i'd like to think!!Woke up with a start around 5:00 a.m...thought it was too cold to start studying(i surprise myself sometimes!) and went back to sleep...got up at 6:30 finally,prayed fajar and set off to work around 7:00....till now i have taken two breaks...one rather overextended hour long one and another 15 min one...USMLE forum browsing and posting a few answers to questions here and there took about half an hour in between...i really don't want to consider that as a 'break"...cos technically i was studying...;)....i should limit the forum hopping to the end of the day when i am more or less a zombie...oh well!!
I am probably going to get microbiology out of the way today....did i mention i hate the viruses!!!!!!!!!!!Ideally,I would have wanted to go through some questions but i really wouldn't have time for that.Tomorrow, i need to finish off immunology.....i find it pretty interesting but i'd definitely rank it somewhere close to the top in my list for volatile subjects!!!Hmmmm...to think of it.....right now,every subject seems volatile.I love pathology and would like to think of it as one of my stronger subjects but *sigh*....
On a different note...it IS very cold!!!it snowed yesterday night...and it looks beautiful...i so want to go out for a walk aroundthe neighbourhood..i might do that in the evening some time...it would be nice....people have already decorated their houses with all sorts of lights and ornaments,for christmas and i guess it would be good to see that the world around me is not as still as i sometimes feel it is.
The other day i chalked out a rough plan for myself....i want to start implementing it from tomorrow...

5:00 -8:00 a.m....Goljan high yields for an hour...got a hold of tommy k's high yields...go through those too..and if time permits...skim through first aid(i have just gone through it once....and that too not very thoroughly which really is freaking me out!)

8:00-9:30 a.m...shower,breakfast...get stuff together...and leave for the library
10:00a.m...start studying at the library
i normally take breaks at the library to pray...which takes about 5-10 min and then around 3:00pm to have lunch...that should take about 15-20 min
6:00p.m...leave for home
6:00-8:00p.m....time off
8:15-9:30p.m...i'd like to fit in something here...lets see how it goes tomorrow
10:00p.m...should be in bed!!!!!!
I really want this plan to work...for my peace of my mind if nothing else...cos i am sick of thinking "i should have /could have done more",at the end of every day!!Till tomorrow!

25 Days to the exam

So i finally got down to blogging....i guess this could prove to be my outlet for the incredibly stressful time i have ahead of me....USMLE step 1 is just 25 days away...and seeing it written like this does give me a queasy feeling.i guess uncertainty about exams...any exam for that matter is only but natural.I had started a daily journal at one of the forums for USMLE prep...but just gave up on it during one of my pessimistic/low/blue phases....and so this blog!....drpak's blog had a part to play in my debut as a blogger too.I just feel as if i have so much to do but so little time.I guess it is the innate property of this exam in particular to make one feel this way.I started studying about 7 months ago and i must admit it has been tough....aside from the extensive review and the hours of studying that one has to gradually build up on...for it sure didn't come that easy to me!...i also had to get used to studying alone.Yes!...throughout my five years at med school me and my best friend were inseperable.We had the perfect wavelength match and did extremely well.I moved to the US after graduating and so have had to tough it out since then.That said,the latest on the prep is that i am about four days behind schedule...arrrrghhh!!!i am trying desperately to get through this darned subject called microbiology and have just managed to waste the better part of the day(which for me is the DAY)....i go to the library everyday and on average i spend about 8 hours there every day...but today was just awful...i just couldn't concentrate and have this uneasiness welling inside of me.I just HAVE to get a hold of things....time and again i make time tables for myself...but somehow they just never work out...and that adds to the misery.Sometimes i think i set targets which aren't exactly practical!!!!Considering the fact that i have no other choice but to take the exam as scheduled i really should be working harder ...here is to a productive day tomorrow and i hope to redeem at least some of the damage done today!